I wanted so much to talk about my feelings, to tell everyone how I feel. But the thought of keeping things private hoping that it might lessen the pain hinders me to do so.

I’ve never been too vocal about telling someone I love him. It’s been years since I’ve become too honest of my feelings. And doing that kind of thing right now, just gives me the unusual feeling of fear. Fear that I was wrong of what I am doing.

Sometimes the only thing that gives you happiness is the same thing that causes your pain. And being in that situation, sometimes I just wanted to end it. To be lonely yet right. To be miserable yet good. Maybe that way people would be happy for me.

Loving him, it was more than fear that I felt. It was uncertainty that made me feel I was so dumb, naïve. People might see ‘us’ as a mistake. We were like a thing they don’t want to see together. I don’t know. Maybe I’m just too paranoid.

All this time, it was just pure pain that I felt. It’s hard for me to ignore him and his messages. But that’s where I should start if I wanted this thing to fade and to finally move ahead. Nevertheless, I cannot disregard my love for him. He was like the boy of my dreams, before. I never would have imagined him loving me. It seems surreal.

All this time I was just concerned about my happiness, that I didn’t want to think about the pain I’m feeling. I want my own happiness to depend on my own actions, that way I wouldn’t be able to blame anybody else except me.

I don’t want to expect things. Because I was hurt to the fact that I expected a lot from him. I was so disappointing to know that it wasn’t my turn yet, and never would be my. I have to accept the fact that I wasn’t the only person who makes him happy.

“Even more, I had never meant to love him. One thing I truly knew – knew it in the pit of my stomach, in the center of my bones, knew it from the crown of my head to the soles of my feet, knew it deep in my empty chest was how lovegave someone the power to break you. I’d been broken beyond repair..” – Bella Swan

Maybe I have the closest “boy” friend right now. It’s like I’ve known everything about him from our day-to-day conversations and not hearing anything from him doesn’t complete my day. We’ve been friends way back, and I should say that we have been through a lot. I’ve known him for soo long now and each day I’m getting to know him more and more.

He told me everything from his family, friends and love life. If there was someone who knew him like his own self, it had to be me. I know when he feels sad, happy, playful or cheesy. It’s like I memorized him all along. We laughed after knowing that we share the same interests. Sometimes we even listen to the songs we like together. Like we were melodies jiving with the words.

He shared his saddest moments to me. Even the times he felt he was a failure and a jynx. I was there to cheer him up. I was Ms. Brightside. He told me stories of his childhood years that I didn’t know. Words his father told him. Even seek me for advices like I was an expert when it comes to problem solving. He gives me credit at times I wanted to put up a show, for punch lines that I could say were sold. I am on his pedestal.

I don’t know clearly my feelings for him. I lost him before, although I never really had him. We were just friends. More like classmates in kindergarten. He has changed a lot from what I have known him of. His personality, beliefs, and actions are a lot different now than it was before. He was so shallow back then. He never knew what he wants and what he does. He’s childish like every other boy out there.

He’s special to me. I don’t ever want to lose communications with him anymore. I want to talk to him every day. I can never forget the feeling of happiness every time I see him and his childish acts. I can never forget the long conversations over the phone. The stories he openly shares with me as if I was someone he trusts so much. I am eager to know him – again.

Memories suddenly flashed back when I got a text message from his new number. Tss. How silly I was back then? I even forgot to ask him how he had my number. Felt like long lost connections were fixed. I wanted to talk to him a lot. Tell him how my days were when I was not with him. Tell him how I was able to be the girl I am now. Tell him about my profound admiration to a boy he knows so much. But my eagerness to let him know these things was suddenly blocked by the truth that he is my friend and I don’t want to lose my friendship with him.

Someone sent me a text message saying, “How to lose a friend? FALL IN LOVE.”

And suddenly I weighed the difference of LOVE and FRIENDSHIP between us. I never knew how much he loves me, all I know is I’m special for him and he didn’t want to lose me. I love him but I don’t want to lose our friendship. I’ve waited years for him to come back. I’m not even sure if I love him. Maybe I was just too attached to our friendship.

And then there came a point when I realized I had to give up my admiration for him as a guy and love him as my friend. That’s the only way I can keep him with me forever. I don’t want to put our friendship at risk since I didn’t knew clearly his feelings and I know he would be able to find his own love soon.

But no matter how other people or girls see him, he will always be the perfect guy for me. No matter what happens, or what we have to go through, I may not end up with him in the end but he will always be MY BEST BOY FRIEND.

]]> http://crizteta.wordpress.com/2009/06/11/love-vs-friendship/feed/ 0 Criz http://crizteta.wordpress.com/2009/05/24/netwards-internet-cowards/ http://crizteta.wordpress.com/2009/05/24/netwards-internet-cowards/#comments Sun, 24 May 2009 04:27:31 +0000 Crizteta http://crizteta.wordpress.com/?p=137 ]]>

One very common thing about social-networking sites right now is that you can see “broadcast-to-the-world” posts of such emo members. Ooops! Sorry for those who might be hit by this.

I get a fun time whenever I see posts of users telling how much they love a certain person that their willing to risk everything, blah.. blah.. blah.. I was just thinking why use the web to tell that person how much you love him/her? Why not tell it directly? I was starting to think that maybe internet is not teaching us the virtue of being FRANK.

I myself have been the “tell-the-world-through-the-net” user. I used to be, until I realized how funny it is for my side that people who are not relatively close to me get a glimpse of what is happening in my life. I used to post bulletins in Friendster telling how bad I feel about a certain person or a thing until I became so emo about it. Never did I realize that people who happen to be not my real friends get to read it and think something else about me.

Hey, there’s nothing wrong about expressing yourself through the web. It’s just that sometimes it gets too vulgar. Like sometimes when you’re heartbroken and you almost curse the person who caused it. Cursing was never a good habit, not when people misunderstood it.

Speaking of frankness, was it too difficult for people to confront someone? To tell directly to their face what you feel whether that would be compassion, love or angst? Was it too difficult for a users to send someone a private message telling him or her how they feel? Or are they just too afraid to face the fact that some people would just reject their message the same as they reject their feelings?

I feel pity for people who can’t even confront someone they hate or they feel bad against. And all they can do is post some nasty bulletins, shout outs, tweets or whatever you wanna call it and let other people read it. I experienced it many times and thought of confronting that person, I did. But he was never ready for any confrontations from me. Am I right? LOL.

See that? People just get into fight because of these senseless posts. A user who hates someone from his network would just post something about her and never let her know about it. Then other people from his site would read it and conclude. I mean, what’s wrong with CONFRONTATIONS? It’s easier to do than guessing. In the first place, I thought that social-networking sites are built to make relationships socially upright.

I supposed the internet does not only make us forget about being frank but making us forget that we need to seek courage to face these things. It really takes a lot of courage to talk to someone you had feelings for – whether hate or love.

I pardon those people who might feel bad about my post. But I think it’s just time to waken up your thoughts that you can never live in the web for your entire life. There’s a point that you need to face things personally. You don’t wanna be married through the net, don’t you? And of course, you don’t wanna get busted through the net, where people might get too see your shameful downfall. LMAO.

The web is just a form of communication. It does not intend to replace your presence as a person.

Every morning, whenever I head for school, I always get the chance to encounter these things that for me can be called stupidity. Yes. I’m pertaining to popular RnB songs that were translated to tagalog or Filipino language and dialects.

As I was riding a PUV to school, I can’t keep myself away from listening to songs played by the FM stations. It was early in the morning and one way to keep me awake is to listen to music. Disappointed, sometimes I just make myself busy looking at road sites.

The first song I heard was “Low” popularized by T. Pain. During that time, I think it was okay for me to hear such songs like that because somehow it gives entertainment (and laughter) to listeners. But as time passes, other songs were also translated to tagalog and that kept me and I believe my friends annoyed. Songs translated were: Umbrella – Rihanna, Smack That – Akon ft. Eminem, Keep Bleeding – Leona Lewis and Clumsy by Fergie, to name a few.

It was too annoying in a way that we feel ashamed of it. Yes. Filipinos are good musicians and music makers there was no doubt about that. But the thing is, should we Filipinos be contented of making a replica of foreign art? Can’t we make something good out of our own hands? Where is the originality in that?

I wonder why record companies give permission to this. I have nothing against them. I just want to state that we should do something unique. We should not be relying to foreigners. We are good music makers; let’s make something out of it.

We have proven ourselves, our country, to the world. In different fields we tried to put our country visible to the world map. And this translation thing, I suppose, won’t help. These just prove to the world how Filipinos were good in copying. From piracy itself, we make duplicates of things we want to own for ourselves. And that is not good.

My hands too are not clean for I admit that I made the same mistakes. But please not with this. Not with music.

I deem that we have more than what we showed. We are talented; let’s give justice to that belief.

Originality is what makes us different from stupidity.

Miley Cyrus is one of the most popular teenage singers as of today. Her popularity rose after she was chosen to play the role of Hannah Montana, a Disney Channel Show. Daughter of the country singer Billy Ray Cyrus, Miley have recently changed his screen  name to Miley Ray as a tribute to his father’s legacy.

This song of her was said to be a mixture of Avril Lavigne rock and Billy Ray Cyrus’ country twang. Lyrics were good and expressive. I like the thought that Miley sang the first few verses expressing the feeling of hate and suddenly ends the song with emotions such as love.

Apparently, this song is meant for guys to be aware of how girls feel after a sudden break-up. But as you go on listening through the song, you’ll sense that it has the same message as with the song of Neyo and Rihanna, Hate that I love you. You hate a guy but ends up loving him still.

Well it is an obscure feeling when love and hate collides and you don’t know what you really feel. Most especially when the things that you hate about him turns to be the reason why you love him. Confusing right?

I just saw the video of this song a few minutes ago. And suddenly noticed the angst of Miley at the first part of the song. The video was made as simple as possible but drives you a great impact.

I like everything about this song. Then I would rate it as 10 out of 10!

“And the seventh thing I hate the most that you do.. You make me love you..”

Aug. 5, 2008

It was indeed a delightful thing to watch plays that are made and performed by professionals. Although these plays are somewhat a bite of reality to us, it sounds as if an eye-opener.

                        The first play that we watched was entitled “Pamantasang Hirang” directed by Hazel Gutierrez. For me, this play contains the most lucid message and thought. It was very easy for us to understand what the play wants to tell us. Obviously, the play pertains to the University of the Philippines. They showed the university on a different point of view that resembles the society now, mostly politics.

                        The synopsis of the play started when a guy wanted to join the fraternity. Unfortunately, the place for the initiation was not available so they held it on a dorm. Dan, a former member of the fraternity was also staying in the same dorm. This situation has made Dan, and his so-called friend Chok, the congressman and head of the fraternity, meet. Chok persuades Dan to join and help him in his political race. Because Dan was good in Advertising and Public Relations, Chok wanted Dan to lead his political campaign for the next election. But Dan refused, because of their past issues.

                        As the play came to its end, we really enjoyed watching it. Although we might say that we had enough of the discussions regarding politics nowadays, the play have discussed the topic lightly that we just thought of it as a normal situation in a man’s life.

                        The second one was entitled “Masaganang Ekonomiya”. This play was so confusing at first. We were annoyed by the woman’s costume from the start of the play. Actually, we didn’t get why the woman should wear that if she would only play a man’s role. But I think it added up to the humor of the play.

                        The play focused more on the unfinished chess game. I believe that the game bear a resemblance to the brawl between the government and the activists. The grilling of Gomez represented how the government kept quiet on the missing and murdered militants that never had justice. The desperation of the government to silence the activists was interpreted by Vera, the high-positioned military officer, through his fascination in winning the chess game against Guzman. He wanted it so badly that he used his power to dishonestly make his self win, which I believe the government is doing right now.

                        The play may be confusing at first but it had delivered the message very well.

                        “Dong-Ao” the third play, was obviously performed by a power cast. Well known actors such as Bembol Roco, Tommy Abuel, Jonee Gamboa and Gigi Escalante to name a few, participated in the play.

                        I suppose that it was the longest play we watched that afternoon. It looked just like a normal funeral ceremony where people who are close and related to the one who died gets the chance to speak and let his/her voice be heard. The death of the main character, Pepe, signifies the never-ending argument between different sectors of the nation which are represented by the characters.

                        The middle of the play was a bit uninspiring since we had no point of imagining what the characters reflect. We were just stunned by the performances of the well known actors and focused more on how they perform their roles since we have seen them on televisions most of the time.

                        The characters have different point of views which made us think who we are going to believe. They speak of their selves like for example the priest; he speaks for the religious sector. In the end, they just proved how our nation and our country are divided.

                        All in all, these plays were simply a bite of reality as I have said. They focused on issues of the nation. A windfall given by the plays were their humorous parts and performances that made the play light for us to watch. It was a pleasure watching them and a learning experience certainly.

Economically speaking, I’m really slashing my pockets down these past few days. I never thought that being a junior Mass Communication student would mean having your wallets emptied at the first place. Aside from high photocopy costs, we had a lot of bills to pay in the coming days. Honestly, I think we’re spending almost 30 pesos every week (or every day) for just a copy of our lecture notes. A big ouch since our allowance is not yet enough to support these studying costs should I say. (Am I speaking in behalf of my mates or only for my self? I bet you understand! LOL). But I’d still prefer this way than writing long lecture notes that would end up with drained ink pens.

One good thing that kept me happy with spending money is my new Nikon D40. Finally! I have my own DSLR! Hahaha! I never thought that I’d be having this precious gadget with me since I’ve already bought my Sony DSC-W55 for my photography class. Well maybe my other mates would hate our professor for the reason that he wanted us to use this instead of consumer digital cameras. But for me, I think I might thank him for that. I’m really interested in photography although I’m not quite sure if this would be bread and butter for me in the future. I’m not even into making it a hobby, since this thing is so expensive.

I never thought this would be so exciting. I was so ignorant in using DSLRs. Since all we know is a point and shoot thingy. Camwhores! At first, I had the idea that it will be difficult for me to learn this thing. But then again, as my mates and friends taught me some techniques, I had the eagerness to pursue and learn more about photography. Now I’m focusing to Depth of Field.

On the other hand, I find it too costly since I bought it Php 22,550 at Hidalgo. That would have been two iPhone 3Gs. Hahahaha. I’m planning to change my phone before my birthday comes. Maybe a birthday gift for myself. J Hope that will push thru.

Talking about our economy, I’m soo disappointed with the fare and oil price hikes. Although some might say I’m still a student and I should not be worrying that much, but still, I can’t keep myself from thinking of budgeting my money or allowance to save some. Since this semester started, I haven’t kept any bucks for my savings. Every week, I’m spending soo much and I can’t balance my expenditures. I’m having a hard time dealing with my schedule. This might sound foolish but I can’t keep myself from blaming new schedule. I felt like my schedule pushes me to spend money during break times. Sometimes, I even eat breakfast at school in spite of having it already at home. I’m eating too much but still look thin.

Aside from having troubles with financing and budgeting, I’m also having a hard time balancing my time. Since I have joined two organizations at school, being a member of the alumni committee for my high school alma mater and a whole bunch of assignments, paper works and projects, I can be compared to a juggler by now.

It’s a good thing that I’m still keeping up with things. See, despite of a heavy schedule and busy days, I managed to write a new blog. Hahahah. Well as they say, “Para-paraan lang yan!,”

I should not be hindered by any glitch. Yeyeye.

PS. I think I’m starting to like Ninjas! Ching! Hahaha.

“We were made for each other..
..out here forever..
I know we were.”

Click the image.